Convicted Fraudster Sentenced To Listening To 'The Christmas Shoes' Never To Commit A Crime Again
The fraud fighting and criminal justice communities are all intrigued about an experimental new 'rehabilitative consequence' for criminals convicted of engaging in white collar crime. Through scientific research and listening to a lot of Christmas music, Dr. Elwin Random found that there were major behavioral changes after subjects were subjected to listening to the song 'The Christmas Shoes' on repeat.
The first convict to have this experimental treated has shown great signs of remorse for his prior behavior. Rick Thefty was indicted on multiple counts of identity theft, wire fraud, and in general being a downright awful person. The judge, fed up with excuses, had heard about the 'The Christmas Shoes' idea. He sentenced Thefty to listening to the song on repeat for four hours. He was immediately released after this and put on probation. Since that time there have been no crimes observed, and friends and family members say that he finally isn't such a 'Dirtbag.'
"I drive five miles per hour under the speed limit. I stop at traffic lights. The other day I helped an old lady across the street instead of scamming her. I even bought a cop a donut... I'd say I am reformed; I will never commit another crime in my life! Just don't make me listen to that song again!"
"I think," says Dr. Random, "that you have two camps. You have those who are remorseful for their behavior. 'The Christmas Shoes' hits their conscience and effects their behavior in a positive way. It is a reality check that humanizes them. The others, those more hardened, disengage in the criminal activity and bad behavior because they simply don't want to listen to the song again. A similar, though shorter lasting effect would occur if you played 'Baby Shark' over and over and over again. However, playing 'Baby Shark' on repeat typically results in insanity within the first 30 minutes. Humans were not made to listen to it."
An additional benefit to the controversial Christmas Shoes treatment is that the convicts are not kept in prison for long. Once their sentence is served by listening to 'The Christmas Shoes,' they are released. Tax payers don't have to spend more money to keep them there. The criminals also don't get a chance to learn from others on how to better commit crimes.
The results so far conclude that 98% of the criminal test subjects do not commit another crime within the next two years. Additional studies will be engaged to see the long term effect of the treatment. Despite these positive results, some are fully against this type of consequence.
"No one should have to endure listening to that song for a minute. And we expect criminals to be sentenced to hours of it?" Questions treatment opponent Dr. Christof Zeebs. "This is beyond cruel and unusual punishment that no one deserves."
While debates on the ethicality of the program go on behind the scenes, fraud and financial crimes are trending downward. Just the idea of the consequence is acting as a deterrent to many people.
"This serves as a reminder to all that these crimes are offenses that need harsh consequences," continues Random. "If the 2000 Newsong song does that, it is a price that we need to pay to make the world a better place."
For harsher crimes, experiments are starting using 'The Christmas Shoes' movie. If they are successful, the human race can all thank Rob Lowe for his role in stopping crime.