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Wannabe Fraudster Confused By Unsuccessful Straw Buying


MARYLAND – An inspired but novice fraudster attempted a large straw buying fraud scheme at a local grocery store chain. Not taking any time to research what straw buying actually was, schemer Melvin “The Perp” Patterson went to multiple Giant Food stores, buying out the locations inventory of drinking straws.

“Paper straws, plastic straws, metal straws, bendy-flexy straws, loopy straws, bamboo straws, crazy straws, sugarcane straws, glass straws, and more! I bought them all and stuffed them in the back of my Mazda. Then I waited for the pay out.”

Patterson kept the straws in the back of his car for the next three weeks, wondering how to cash out. When the waiting was too much, he attempted to take a few boxes back to the store to return them. Maybe there was some kind of return policy he could exploit. However, that proved useless when the store employee gave him back exact change. Patterson then tried to sell the straws on Facebook Marketplace, but that just resulted in him getting scammed (another story for another time).

Not wanted to give up on making it big as a straw buyer, Melvin traveled to a farm to buy that form of straw. Hitching a trailer to the Mazda, he had bail after bail added, eventually driving away with the tail of the vehicle riding much lower. Now that he had both forms of straws, maybe the payout would come.

He was sad when it didn’t.

None of this activity went unnoticed by Melvin’s neighbors. The drinking straws lining the back of the car were one thing. The straw bails being constantly hauled around were another issue completely. Some thought it was an inside joke. Others thought that Melvin had lost his mind.

One nosy neighbor went so far as to call the police, who were curious at the sight of the straws when they showed up. Seeing the cops outside his door, Melvin inaccurately concluded that they were on to his scheme. As they rang his doorbell, he slid out of the bathroom window in the back and made his way silently to the RX-8, which was parked on the street and still hooked to the trailer. The police heard the rotary engine blare and were baffled to see Patterson take off with the trailer.

Patterson knew that he could not go back to his house with the loot. If the police were on to him, he assumed that he was close to making it big with his straws. So, he traveled far out of town and bought a storage unit to put it all in. Feeling confident that the supposed contraband was hidden, he drove back home. There was no indication of law enforcement.

Now it was time to review how to finally make money with straw buying. A quick internet search by Melvin revealed to him that Straw Buying is “a purchase made by one person to obtain a good or service for another person who is unable or not permitted to make the transaction.” Not one to read further, Melvin began to ponder about who in the world would not be able to purchase straws. This kept him busy for the next two weeks, but in the end, he couldn’t figure it out and gave up.

The wannabe fraudster still has a storage unit full of straws. He hasn’t really learned what Straw Buying is but has an adequate supply of drinking utensils for chocolate milk as well as shade material for new grass seed.

Straw Buying is a purchase made by one person to obtain a good or service for another person who is unable or not permitted to make the transaction. This can happen with something like a firearm sale to an eligible individual who sells it to someone not permitted to own a gun. It can also be seen with large loan-based purchases like cars or houses, where the person applying is not the one who will utilize the product once obtained. The intended purchaser is going through the Straw Buyer because they do not have the appropriate credit to book the loan.

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