LOUISIANA – A Louisianan man is drawing a lot of attention at the stores he frequents. Lines become backed up everywhere he goes, from when he buys patio furniture at the home improvement store to when he makes his weekly grocery store run for coffee and bacon.
That is because John W. Pepper swears by paying with a check. He holds the state record for the most checks written by a consumer. And if he could pay his fast-food bill with a check, he would (he sometimes tries but is always declined). He once convinced a 10-year-old to accept a check for a $.25 cup of lemonade at a lemonade stand. On another occasion, he wrote his daughter a $1.00 check when she lost a tooth, claiming that he was in league with the tooth fairy.
In addition to getting out his check book, licking the pages of the check book to get to the right check, never having a pen to write the check, and writing the check, he spends additional time talking to anyone who will listen about all the security benefits of paper checks.
“You all have your fancy debit cards,” he usually starts. “But they get swiped, and they get stolen. I don’t call that safe, do you? No sir, that ain’t the way I do things. Each check I have requires my signature. There’s no way around that. What are you going to do, steal my checks? Plus, they have security features on the check. Once again, no way around that.”
Often the victims of Peppers’ ramblings will just nod, hoping that it will end soon so they can buy their goods and get on with their lives. Occasionally someone will debate him, in which the check out process can take up to an hour (another state record that Pepper has set on multiple occasions). During a recent debate, Pepper took on more than he bargained for. Debit card aficionado Chipper Cards became enraged when Pepper pointed at his debit card and shouted, “stupid card!”
“I take great offense to Pepper’s sermons about the benefits of checks,” states Cards. “A check has all the information a ‘frauder’ needs to be able to commit fraud. Routing number, account number, name, address, sometimes phone number. Pepper is misinformed and needs to be stopped.”
Chipper is organizing a new campaign against paper check usage. His new non-profit, “No More Checks” seeks to eliminate the payment method by emphasizing the benefits of debit cards over checks. This in turn, has Pepper going to more and more places with his spiel and his signatures everywhere.
“Who does this Cards fellow think he is,” questions Pepper. “I’ve been using checks before he was born and I’ve never ever had a single problem… hang on, I just need to answer my phone. Hello…yes, this is J.W. Pepper. WHAT?! What do you mean there was a counterfeit check on my account? How’d they get my signature? Forged it you say? How is that even possible?”
John W. Pepper will have time to think on the benefits of using checks for everything while he and his bank address his exposed accounts. In the meantime, Chipper Cards continues the push to eradicate the antiquated payment method.